Is giving together the secret to happiness?

A study finds that when it comes to charitable giving, most couples find common ground. Here’s why.

As every couple knows, making a life together isn’t all about valentines and roses. Two people with different DNA attempting to agree on everything from garbage duty to child-rearing strategies to household finances can produce conflict. But the next time you find yourself suspecting that you and your partner really are from different planets, take heart: research from Fidelity Charitable conducted among nearly 700 of its donors shows that, when it comes to giving, couples come together.

In fact, more than four-fifths of respondents—who were all married or living with a partner—say they frequently or always agree with their other half on household giving decisions, such as what charity to support or how much to give. Just 11% of donors say that giving decisions are a source of regular disagreement, usually over how much to support particular charities or which charities to support.

Giving can create conversation about values that reinforce a strong partnership

So, what gives? Does philanthropy cast a magic spell on a relationship? Is it the antidote to what ails a marriage? But giving does spark a conversation that encourages intimacy, and it can reinforce the foundations upon which a partnership is built.

Look over the previous year’s charitable activity as a way to kick-start conversation and cooperation for couples who are experiencing giving gridlock. Couples should ask themselves if their giving history reflects their shared values in a strategic way.

But with giving... there is an opportunity to talk about your values and what you believe and what you share.

Giving can create togetherness and shared experiences that make a couple more connected

Family matters often prompt giving conversations for couples, said Karen Heald, managing director of Fidelity Charitable's Private Donor Group. She noted that parents who give want to raise generous children and will devise a giving philosophy that sets that example. Loss also inspires discussions about values that influence giving.

"When a loved one passes away, it gets couples talking about what charities are meaningful to them,” Heald said. “You might be reminded of a grandfather whom you never met, and his favorite museum that your grandmother would frequent as a way of remembering him. Philanthropy is unique in that it’s so personal. It can be a really positive way of communicating for couples."

Disagreements about giving can be a path to both a stronger relationship and greater impact

Yes, couples do disagree about giving—even if it is only rarely. About 40% of the donors surveyed said they have had some disagreement over decisions such as which charity to support or how much support to provide. 

But these conversations can help couples make decisions that can connect them back to what really matters.

Philanthropy is unique in that it's so personal. It can be a really positive way of communicating for couples.

Download “How Couples Give” for more insights on how couples approach philanthropy together.